It’s undeniable that nearly every student will attend at least one party in college. It’s also undeniable that almost everyone will be “that guy” (or girl) at least once. As long as parties have existed, so have party fouls. It’s almost painful to go year after year and see different people make the same party mistakes that lead to them either getting thrown out of the party, or simply becoming the party punch line. It’s with this in mind that we here at College and Finance decided to come up with a list on how to avoid committing party fouls. Following these few tips should drastically increase the average amount of time you are able to spend at parties without getting thrown out. Both men and women should look closely at the following suggestions, since there will be something for everyone to learn from in the list.
1. If you must regurgitate, do so outside the building, in a trashcan, or in the restroom – If you’re a smart partier, you should know your limits, but in the rare event that things get out of hand and you feel your stomach start to churn, find the nearest bathroom, window, balcony, bag, or trashcan. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who know that they are about to lose their lunch, and do very little to avoid projectile vomiting all over the floor. How would you feel if someone came to your house and puked on your floor? To avoid committing the puke party foul, keep an eye on your surroundings at all times. If you aren’t within at least a thirty-second sprint from a trashcan or bathroom, you should relocate to another area of the party.
2. No one cares how intoxicated you are – This should probably be called “The Freshman Rule,” because Freshman are the most frequent offenders. It’s okay to be inebriated, but you don’t need to announce it to all your friends, roommates, and any strangers at the party. I’m happy when people are having a good time, but that doesn’t mean I need updates on their BAC levels every ten minutes. It’s fine if you feel the need to inform a friend or two, but running around the party screaming “Dude! I’m so messed up right now!!” is quite unbecoming.
3. No one but TLC is allowed to “Creep” – Both guys and girls have the potential to creep, but from my experience, guys are more frequent offenders. In today’s Facebook/MySpace stalker-net age, creeping seems to be becoming more prevalent. If you are at a party, always be mindful of being a creeper. There’s nothing more annoying when I see a group of attractive, intellectual females leaving a party in disgust because someone was acting more socially awkward than Robert Ford. If your lack of social skills results in a less appealing party, then you are making a huge party foul. The best way to avoid being a creeper is simply to have at least some knowledge of social cues before entering a party situation. Awkward attempts at flirting will most likely result in some creeping, so be wary.
4. Really know your friends before inviting them – You may think you know your friends, but you just might find that they become a completely different person when they have been having a bit of the sauce. There’s nothing worse than comm a collateral party foul. If your friend commits a party foul, you are guilty merely by association. It’s especially terrible if you were the person who brought them to the party. The best way to avoid this is to carefully monitor which friends you bring to a party. If your friend always ends up starting a fight, you might want to reconsider the potential ramifications for inviting them along for the evening. If you do end up getting caught in the guilt-by-association party foul situation, you can always disavow knowing the friend you brought to the party at all, although that’s not a very loyal thing to do. However, if the party is really amazing, who can find fault in trying to stay longer by any means necessary? In any case, just pray that a friend you bring along to a gathering never decides to commit the ultimate party foul.
5. Resist all urges to break things – Too many college students get hung up on this. From my experience, guys will break things at parties simply because they can and also because they feel that destruction of property somehow constitutes a demonstration of true masculinity. Unfortunately, breaking things merely makes you seem like a complete jerk devoid of any respect. Most often when females get into property-destruction trouble is more a result of accidental drunkenness. However, though it may be accidental, the party foul is still quite significant. I remember working the bar at a party in which a woman was so excited about getting her drink that she accidentally put the shoe she was holding through a window. Needless to say, everyone running the party was not amused, and the woman went drink-less.
6. Recognize who is running the party, and who the party is for – This is a basic rule of thumb that is violated all too often. If you know what the people who live in the house/apartment look like, and you know who the birthday boy or girl is, then you will find yourself much less likely to get thrown out. This is so because of two things: One, you will be less likely to offend someone who lives in the house or is the center of the party if you know who they are; and Two; if someone tries to test you to see if you belong at the party at all, you’ll be able to point out a few people (you don’t even need to know them, as long as you can demonstrate knowledge of who they are, you will be golden). If you’re crashing parties, then avoiding party fouls becomes even more crucial. Knowing who’s putting on the party and who it’s for could keep you from getting thrown out.
7. Unless it’s a Karaoke party, or other people are joining in, don’t sing over the music – There’s always that one intoxicated individual who decides that they must practice for their American Idol audition at the height of the party. I’ve seen people grab microphones out of the hands of DJs and burst into awful renditions of amazing songs. It’s great that you know all the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing”, but so does everybody else, and it’s much better singing with the group than trying to grab the spotlight all for yourself. Do your best to ignore any little voices in your head telling you to impress people with your singing skills. The voices cannot be trusted because they don’t have your best interests at heart. College and Finance, however, definitely does.
8. Academics should never be mentioned at a party – Unless you are at a crazy party thrown by the Dean, or the captain of the school math club, you should do your very best to refrain from any academic discussion. Simply put, 9 times out of 10, academic discussion is a major buzz kill for everyone in the room. You’ll even find some Engineering students who will get pretty upset if someone mentions academia at a party. Yes, you should be in college to learn. However, that doesn’t mean you should be talking about any of that fantastic learning at a college party.
9. Refrain from attempts at any movement which requires advanced coordination – Simply put, don’t try to do things while drunk that you can’t do sober. This is a good blanket rule to help you avoid a whole plethora of party fouls. You couldn’t scale a building, land gracefully after jumping off a balcony, or easily throw anything with pinpoint accuracy while holding a drink sober, so why try it while inebriated? After witnessing a young woman try to spin around a stripper pole at a party, and then observing her subsequent wipe out (and unfortunate drink spill), I figured that this rule needed mentioning. College and Finance experts surmise that there would be a 67% decrease in beer-spillage rates at party if people understood and followed this basic rule. College and Finance experts also noted that 98% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
10. Don’t take the last beer…unless you’re the host – While the number of these offenders is much smaller than other types, it is still worth mentioning. Simply put, if someone who isn’t the host of the event takes the last beer, that person is selfish and no one likes them. You definitely don’t want to be that person. If you see one beer left, don’t be a jerk, leave it there for as a reward for the wonderful human being who put all the festivities together.
So there you have some good tips for avoiding party fouls. Once again, it’s okay to commit a party foul every now and then in college, but the repeat offenders are those who will find themselves having more difficulty finding parties as the school year progresses. Remember to always be safe at parties, and always ask yourself “what would my mom think if she saw me doing this” before making any rash decisions. You just might find that people want to party with you more if you follow this advice.