Archive for July, 2007

Harry Potter’s Guide to the People You Meet in College

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is full of some interesting characters, as is the rest of the Harry Potter world. If you’re going to college, you’ll meet a lot of new people. If you’re in college, you’ll know exactly the people I’m talking about. If Harry Potter were giving you advice about the people you’ll meet in college (assuming You-Know-Who hasn’t killed him), he’d mention a few of these. Of course there are always the same version of these types of people in the opposite sex.

The Ron Weasley — The faithful sidekick who will most likely end up being your friend. Could be your roommate or the shabbily dressed quiet kid in your Chemistry lecture. He’s happy he got into college, and definitely getting FAFSA aid and probably some help from the university. He has several siblings who all went to that college, and as a result he’s forced to live under their shadow. He’s got a thirst to prove himself, and flashing money around him will only hurt his feelings. He also may be an RA. He’ll be a very cool RA to have because he won’t be insanely strict, just don’t make him angry, or else he might take it out on you.

The Hermione Granger — The sometimes insufferable know-it-all who’s really quite nice once you get to meet her. Always raises their hand to eagerly answer every question. Will often try to make friends with the professor and may ask seemingly pointless questions. Beware if you’re in a difficult class that is curved, Hermione will always break it and leave you wallowing in your D+. I’d suggest getting to know the Hermione and getting help with homework, or being study buddies. Who knows when her supreme knowledge will be of use?

The Severus Snape – The professor of one of the most difficult classes who holds contempt for everyone. You can’t avoid having him because you need the class for your major. Come prepared to every class by doing all the readings and homework. Don’t ever miss any classes unless you have come down with something that requires you to go to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Even people who may have contracted vanishing sickness, scrofungulus, or dragon pox should attempt to come to class, because every word will be important. Be careful of Professor Snape’s mood swings as well. Sometimes he may seem like he’s on your side, and then he’ll quickly switch back to being mean to everyone and unfair in the classroom.

The Gilderoy Lockhart – The professor who wrote the textbook. Never try to prove him wrong, because he wrote the book. May go into long discussions on the great research he has done, the great students he has had, or the great people that he knew back in college. Listen intently and memorize the book forward and backward.

The Draco Malfoy — The spoiled rich kid. Could also end up being a roommate. His parents pay for everything and he will probably spend ridiculous amounts of money on things he doesn’t need. While this can be beneficial (having a fantastic TV for the room), it can also get quite annoying. He may have very exclusionist tendencies, which will infuriate you. Beware if stuck with a Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley in the same room. They will be at odds the entire year, and could resort to violence.

The Dudley Dursley – The Dudley is similar to the Draco Malfoy, except he will generally be fatter, lazier, and stupider. He may have a hygiene problem, which will cause a great amount of pain for you and your roommates (if you are stuck with him). He may be on his computer at all times. He most likely plays World of Warcraft 10-20 hours a day. Old nasty pizza boxes and awkward smells are to be found wherever he has been. Once again, his parents will probably pay for everything, meaning he’s spoiled. Unlike the Draco, you cannot benefit from the large TV in the room because Dudley will always be there watching it.

The Professor Binns — Most likely found in boring classes, but can be found in interesting subjects. This person will turn every semi-interesting subject into a complete bore. The class can be failed simply because of boredom. Leave all distractions outside the room (iPods, iPhones, iGames, iAnything), especially those laptops, because you won’t be taking notes from the boring professor, you’ll be facebooking and counting down the seconds to when you can leave. This professor will give long exams and while the subject matter may not be difficult, the sheer amount of information will probably get you confused. If it’s a morning class, make sure you get as much sleep as possible before attending, or else you’ll be catching Z’s about 2 minutes in.

The Cedric Diggory – He’s the frat boy, the high-school jock, and the partier who all the women love. While he’s actually quite nice, watch out for him in social situations because others might favor him over you. Can be useful if you want to get into frat parties, but watch out because the frats will then start recruiting you. The calls will be non-stop and you may end up partying on a Tuesday night before a final. Cedric can help you get any women you might want, but beware his ex-girlfriend because she’s damaged goods.

The Cho Chang — The woman you met at a party who may get overly emotional. While she may be gorgeous, she’ll probably bother you for attention all the time. Beware of the college relationship. It starts out great, but then you may become obsessed with one another, which will annoy the roommates and everyone around you. Cho will also get real jealous and upset if you have a friendship with a Hermione. Her friends may also be quite untrustworthy, so don’t tell them about any secret facebook groups you are in. Cho Chang is insecure, so she may be prone to cheat on you if she’s had too many beers at Cedric’s frat party.

The Viktor Krum — He’s the athlete who’s just in college for the sports and will be leaving for the NFL or NBA draft soon. He’s on full scholarship, and will probably have a nice entourage with him at all times. You can get his autograph, or at least admire him if he’s in your class. If you facebook friend him, you can comment on his wall and congratulate him after your team wins. You can also use the wall to hurl insults at him if he fails during a rivalry game. He’s probably used to admirers and may be annoyed by them, so approach with caution. He also could probably have almost any lady on the entire campus.

The Remus Lupin — He’s the nice guy who has a dark side. He’s probably a whole lot of fun to hang out with during the day. He’s also pretty smart and will help you in your classes. However, be extra careful if going out with him at night. He may drink excessively and become violent. He’s sure to get you thrown out of many parties. Could get you arrested if his outburst is particularly violent. If he’s your roommate, hide anything expensive from him when he gets back, he’s liable to break it. I suggest keeping him locked up in the room at night so he can’t drink and vandalize anything.

The Fred and George Weasley — They may be the twins that everybody on campus seems to know. They can also represent the student who loves to prank people. This will be a nightmare for the RA of Fred and George. They have an extreme knowledge of the campus, and have been around a while. They love pranks, but it’s all in good fun. They may also throw a party or two in the dorm. Just be careful not to get in trouble with them.

The Cornelius Fudge — He’s the president of the university. He may seem like he knows what he’s talking about, but he’s pretty out of touch with the average student. He’ll raise tuition on you, change rules so his administration looks better, and generally ignore tradition. Watch out for him if you love your football or basketball program.

The Sirius Black – He’s the student who gets in trouble because his roommates were all drinking. He’s pretty angry about it and will use any means necessary to get back at them. He’s a really nice guy but will get pretty angry if you screw him over. He probably has a psychotic cousin as well, so don’t attend any family reunions with him.

The Luna Lovegood — She’s the awkward girl who lives down the hall. Her room always smells like incense and you’ve seen mysterious people drop packages off at her place. She dresses awkwardly and is pretty awkward in conversation. She’s nice, just a bit weird. She’s probably active in a variety of social causes that may have little interest to you.

The Rubeus Hagrid — He’s the guy who is still in college after all these years. He’s the 8th year senior who still parties hard and skips class the next day. He’s nice because he’ll buy you beer if you need it, but he can be a pain sometimes. He’s probably a great guy to have around if you’re ever in a pinch because he works out 24-7. If he ends up being your roommate, his rambunctiousness will no doubt annoy you. Beware his pets as well. He’ll sneak everything from a dog to a snake into the dorms, which will no doubt anger the RA. He probably will snore as well, so have some earplugs handy.

The Dolores Umbridge — She’s the woman you may fear above all others. She can be a professor or a Hall Director. If she’s a Hall Director, she’ll probably make her RAs do her bidding. She may be completely ridiculous if you get in trouble and not listen to a word you have to say. If she’s the professor, you better not disagree with anything she says, because it may be the last thing you do before you are promptly failed.

The Percy Weasley – He’s the RA you will dread having. He’s obsessed with the rules and won’t let his residents have any fun. He’s very ambitious and has an inflated ego because of his RA position. He can be useful when you want to know about classes or other college related questions. Get on his bad side, and it will be a long year for you.

The Ginny Weasley — She’s the girl you should have liked all along. Although she’s sporty and could probably beat you up, she’s very pretty and a good friend. You may not like her at first, opting for the Cho Chang, but she’ll end up being one of the greatest decisions you’ve ever made. Just be sure to not have the typical “we love each other so much and we annoy everyone else because of it” college relationship. Ginny is cool though, so she won’t let it happen.

The Oliver Wood – He’s the coach of the big time athletic program at your school. If you are lucky enough to see him, get his autograph. However, realize that he’s obsessed with winning. If you go to a Division I school, winning in basketball, football, and many other sports is paramount to coaches keeping their jobs. Enjoy the success that he will bring to the field. Just be careful, because sometimes he may think about coaching pro and then change his mind only a day later.

The Neville Longbottom — He’s the guy who may have just gotten lucky gaining admission. He is pretty terrible at a lot of subjects and may ask you for help constantly. However, there may be a few subjects that he’s very well versed in. If he’s a roommate, the other roommate’s may be mean to him. I’d suggest dealing with him and befriending him because who knows when you’ll need a loyal friend. Also, the few subjects he knows a lot about can always possibly be of use to you.

The Colin Creevey – He’s the follower who really wants the college experience. He’ll follow you wherever you go and will try to invite himself to parties all the time. He probably comes from a small town as well, but he may just be obsessed with you because he thinks you’re cool. His lameness could cause you to not get into a party. Be very careful if you notice any Colins on your campus.

The Minerva McGonagall — She’s the tough professor, of a tough subject, who is fair. She’s similar to the Professor Snape in her command of the class, but she doesn’t hate anyone. She also may have a softer side that few students have seen. My suggestion is to work hard in her class and keep your nose clean. She’ll always be there for extra help if you are struggling, because unlike the Professor Snape, she wants her students to succeed.

The Professor Quirrell — He’s the professor who teaches the class that looks nice and easy, but turns out to be one of the most difficult classes you’ll ever take. You start out thinking that you can breeze through it, and maybe you miss a few lectures. Next thing you know, you’re caught under a months worth of work, and you have an exam and Hermione won’t help you because you were too lazy. Alas, Professor Quirrell looked innocent enough, but he was hiding an insanely difficult class from you. My advice never let up in the classes that look easy, because they can sometimes be deceiving.

The Fleur Delacour — The beautiful woman you can’t have. She’s probably in a sorority, and she probably has a multitude of friends who secretly loathe her because she’s so perfect. You may be at a party and you may have had a few too many. Don’t let the false courage trick you into hitting on her. The answer will always be no. If she’s in one of your classes, I suggest moving as far away as possible to avoid any unnecessary staring, which could detract from your academic success. She probably is in a million facebook groups about being hot, and she probably does modeling and wants to be voted one of the sexiest babes on campus. Her vanity will only cause you pain, beware.

The Bellatrix Lestrange — If you avoid the Cho Chang and the Fleur Delacour, you should avoid this person like the plague. If she is a roommate, then you best not get on her bad side because she will likely go insane and start throwing punches. If you are dating her, then I suggest never ever being unfaithful. She’s also obsessed with power. She probably will want to go to Law School after college.

The Nymphadora Tonks — She’s the punk/emo/goth chick in your Math class who seems to have a different hair color every day. If you are punk, emo, or goth, you might want to get to know her. Otherwise, you may have trouble relating to her. She’s perfectly nice, despite her bizarre appearance, and unhealthy obsession with My Chemical Romance. She’s quite fun and different, and will probably lend you a pencil if you need one. She may even fall in love with the Remus Lupin, even though you’d think they’d never get along because of his excessive nighttime partying.

The Mundungus Fletcher — He’s the kleptomaniac student. He’s the guy who will take your laptop when you’re not looking. He can also be the homeless people who may sneak into your dorm while you’re at class and take your stuff. He’s the reason why you should always keep your room door locked and your laptop attached to your desk.

The Albus Dumbledore — The professor everyone wants to have. He’s wise, funny, and teaches a very interesting class. He’s tough, but fair, and your college experience will be much better for it. His classes usually fill up rapidly, so try to register early. He may have a leadership position within the university, but unlike the Cornelius Fudge, he knows what he’s doing.

The Tom Riddle/Voldemort — He’s the guy who many people like, but he probably has some skeletons in the closet. He gets what he wants and will be very upset if things don’t go his way. For him, the ends justify the means, and he’ll sabotage you to get a better grade in a class. Gaining power is one of his greatest ambitions. He’s like the Percy Weasley times fifteen. He probably will run for student government and use his power to help himself rather than the student body. He’s most likely a business student.

So there you have it. These are just a few of the types of people you’ll meet at college, and you may end up being one (although I hope you avoid becoming Voldemort).

July 10 2007 | College Advice and College Fun | 12 Comments »

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